Estelle’s challenge with her long-term relationship is much deeper that it first appears

Estelle has been a regular visitor to my little crystal shop for some time. Normally her slim, petite, elfin being is clear and bright, she walks in this morning cloudy and off-centre. Her warm, lively personality is muted; something is not quite right. I notice her mascara has run and she is sniffling as she looks through my new stock.

“Caught a cold?,” I ask, hoping to create an opening for her, but realising immediately that my question sounds tactless and insensitive. She knows me well enough not to overreact.

“I need a session with you. My life is falling apart.” Estelle blows her nose. 

“No time like the present.” It is a cold wet day outside, today will be quiet and I have no sessions booked.

“I’ll put a sign on the door and close up shop. Let’s go up to my session room now.”

Estelle starts crying as soon as she sits down. “I have to have Chemo. They have found something bad.”

“I am sorry to hear that. You know it’s okay to use conventional medicine when we need to…”

“I am fine with that. They need to move quickly. I accept that. I want to understand why this is happening to me.”

“How are things with your relationship. How is your partner Julie?”

More tears. “I don’t deserve her. She is just so lovely.”

“You two have been together for ages – the perfect long-term relationship.”

“That’s what everyone says and I love her dearly but…”

Her pause tells me she is reluctant to share more. I give her space and when it comes I am totally surprised by the confidence she shares.

“I have fallen in love with someone else… a man.”

Wow! Estelle is the most well adjusted, committed, lesbian feminist I know; she has never expressed any interest in men. In fact I sometimes feel that to her we symbolise everything that is wrong with humanity.

“But I thought…” I stop myself mid sentence, but it’s too late.

“That I was the biggest dyke you have ever met?” She smiles through her tears.

“I… well, love moves in mysterious ways,” I respond lamely. I am blushing.

“I just can’t get enough of him. I want to be with him all the time. It’s driving me crazy. I know he feels the same way, but he has other commitments. It is just so stupid. I can’t help myself.”

“Have you… consummated your relationship?” I choose my words carefully.

“No, I would never want to hurt anyone else, but I would if we could, without a moment’s hesitation. I would feel complete if only I could totally merge with him.”

Estelle is a tantric sex practitioner; with practice anyone can use the bliss experienced during lovemaking to access a merging into a oneness that is sublime.

“OK, I’ve heard enough. Let’s get into the session and see how all this connects.” 

We lay in my crystal mandala. Estelle is ahead of me as we enter an expanded state of consciousness.

Body I command you – show me what I am holding in this disease, she telepaths, without any prompting from me.

As I expect, her body reveals that she is holding a build-up negative energy connected to the intense and conflicting emotions she has been experiencing over the past year. As she has been unable to process or release them, this energy has built up etherically and has now manifested in her physical body as serious illness.

Well that’s not news, Estelle telepaths,with an air of disappointment.

We need to look at your long-term relationship with this man. 

But I have only known him for just over a year.

I am talking really long term, cosmically. Command your body to show you how and where your relationship started.

We travel through time and space into the distant past. En route we catch glimpses of their occasional, rather than repeated, interaction.  They play together in different incarnations – lovers, brothers, sisters and best friends, always in a close and loving relationship with unconditional support for each other. We move beyond and before physical incarnations, which is where things get interesting.

We approach the void.

How far back do we need to go? Estelle is sounding frustrated and a little apprehensive.

Nearly there. The profound beauty of what we witness next moves us both to tears.

Oh my God…  Not known for her religious expletives, Estelle is lost for words.

We are in a garden, a cosmic garden in the far reaches of space and time. The Universe is young, very young. Floating in the barely formed reality that leads to now, we notice a solitary purple flower bud. In the soft light of young stars it opens slowly. It is an exquisite, breathtaking spectacle.

Feel the energy. 

I know. I know. Sobs Estelle. This is the birth of my soul into separate, individual consciousness. Unbelievable.

There is more – watch.

A stamen gracefully eases its way outward, spiralling upward, then just as it looks fully extended, it splits into two strands, one heading towards future Earth to incarnate, the other to another part of the Universe.

It is us, me and him. We are one and we are separating.

And you will reunite, eventually. You understand now why you want to be together? Your mutual attraction is irresistible.

The dance of these two parts of the same whole over the aeons becomes clear to Estelle. 

Twin flames, soul mates, choose a descriptor that fits. Actually no description adequately describes the oneness that you two are.

I understand but…

Let’s return to our bodies and discuss this. Have you seen enough?


In my confined session room we sit up, breathe and debrief.

“I still don’t get it. Why am I having sexual feelings towards him?”

“Because we are here in gross, physical bodies, it is a natural way of expressing what feels like a passionate, true love.”

“But what do I do with these feelings and our relationship? It has made me ill.”

“You understand that you are one, right?”

“Well, we are all one. Aren’t we?”

“Yes, in the biggest sense we are, but your relationship is different. It relates to your soul’s journey. In order for this to be resolved, you must understand that the love you feel for this man is self-love. You are loving part of yourself. If you express this love on the highest level then all lower emotions become less intense; in fact less relevant.”

“I am not sure if I want to stop feeling the way I do about him…”

“You are not stopping anything – just expanding it. As long as you allow your feelings to remain on a base, physical level you inhibit your growth. This isn’t just any passing infatuation. You must see it as an initiation into your true power as a spiritual being of light and unconditional love. It is your chance to really step into your essence as an awakened being by expressing your love in the highest way possible.

Your expression of love for each other must move beyond, Philos and Eros and become Agape, a true expression of unconditional love for the divine beings that you both are.”

Estelle contemplates. I hope that she understands. Her future well-being depends on it.

All stories are © 2019 Raym Richards and are extracted from his book “Sprit World. A diary of an Urban Shaman” available through iBooks and Amazon or directly from Crystal Dreaming