Eleanor’s recent happy Christmas unlocks a disturbing experience from another time

I stand next to my client Eleanor as young girl, she is lying peacefully asleep in a comfortable bed, in a comfortable house. The night is bright and clear and she looks angelic, illuminated by starlight which caresses her sweet, innocent face. There is a red and green Christmas stocking at the bottom of her bed, yet to be filled.

Her peaceful sleep is disturbed when her door opens and a man lurches in. Groggy she opens her eyes, trying to understand what is happening. He is a blurry silhouette illuminated by the light from the open door behind him. He sits heavily on the bed and leans over her, his breath smells of alcohol and stale cigarettes.

“Your mummy is asleep…shhh!”

She tries to hide under the covers dumbstruck, but he throws them back pulling her out of bed. It hurts and she starts whimpering. 

“Quiet! We don’t want to wake mummy!” He slurs his words slightly. Dragging her across the plush carpet past her toys and into the hall, heading towards the living room, away from her mother’s bedroom next door.

“We have something to do in here…”

This is me as a child, I recognise my room but I do not remember this happening… Eleanor telepaths.

Sometimes to protect ourselves we hide challenging memories or we may have made promises not to remember.

I feel repulsed.

Who is the man? Do you know him? 

He is my stepfather and I really do not want to see what happens next…

Eleanor is a renowned folk singer who is experiencing a well concealed crisis. 

She sits and shares her reasons for coming to see me before our shamanic journey commences, I sense interrelated traumas as she speaks.

“I have taken a break from singing…  I just don’t feel motivated. More than that… it’s hard to express, but I just don’t feel worthy of singing these beautiful songs any more.” Her eyes brim with tears. “I just don’t know what to do, I can’t think of a reason…” 

“There may be several reasons. When did this feeling start?” 

Eleanor takes a deep breath. “It’s hard to say, it has crept up slowly, maybe after Christmas. I had a busy schedule but I always make time to be with my daughter, this year we decorated the tree together, usually her nanny does it with her. It felt good – but on reflection, there was something strange about it. I felt uneasy afterwards.”

“Anything else I should know about?

“Yes, I have asthma, hard to believe in my profession I know, but it is true.”

Lying in the Crystal Mandala Eleanor moves into an expanded state easily. She feels tightness in her chest and asking her body to release the cellular memory she is holding there, we are transported to a damp and dingy tent on an overcast afternoon. We see a young woman lying awake, legs akimbo, she looks bored.

This is me! Eleanor telepaths.

Eleanor is a teenager in this life, snoozing on top of her sleeping bag in her wet tent. The environment is gloomy and musty, the weather has closed in.

Oh no, this is so creepy, it was my boarding school camp, I had forgotten about this. We were sent to bed early…

A man quietly unzips her tent and creeps in touching her leg as he enters. She responds immediately and instinctively by kicking him hard in the face. He muffles a cry and scuttles out. From that day onward the lecherous house master turns her whole house against her. She is ostracised and contracts a severe chest infection, which he deliberately ignores. Because it was left untreated for so long, it leads to the asthma that has plagued her ever since. 

In order to release the trauma I lead Eleanor in the following affirmation.

“I forgive your ignorance and your selfishness, I forgive your lack of consideration and your cruelty. I forgive you for assaulting me. In forgiving you I release us both from this trauma. We are no longer bound by it, we are both now released and I do not need to repeat it. Go in peace. So be it.”

My chest feels more open. That is so much better. And I can breathe! But there is something else here, deeper. Its hidden in my heart and when I probe it I feel sick.

Commanding her body to take us to the moment this feeling started, we see her decorating a Christmas tree as a child putting out presents with her mother. Eleanor is singing happily and the scene looks perfect.

I can’t see any problem here I look like a happy little girl…

She looks longingly and the delicious wrapped chocolates on the tree, a special annual treat.

“You know you must wait until Christmas Day before you touch them don’t you darling?” Her mother smiles as her stepfather joins them and they admire the decorations.

Later that night her drunk stepfather enters her room and drags her down the hall. 

Oh! I am starting to remember what happened, this was well hidden… Eleanor observes the scene with some trepidation.

He hauls her to the Christmas tree, pushing face towards the shiny chocolate decorations – one is missing.

“You couldn’t wait could you?” We feel his irrational, alcohol-fuelled anger. “You ate one, didn’t you?”

The young Eleanor is mystified. Sobbing, she tries to tell her stepfather that she had been asleep, but he will have none of it. He takes her back to her room, tosses her on her bed and lurches out mumbling, slamming the door behind him.

In the morning her mother backs her stepfather up and her punishment is that she is not allowed to eat any of the chocolate decorations that Christmas. She is crestfallen, confused and ashamed. Her heartache lodges in the centre of her chest.

After Christmas the cleaning lady finds the missing sweet that had dropped behind the tree and offers it to Eleanor who bursts into tears, feeling totally betrayed by both her parents. Her mother is not interested in the news and dismisses it. Putting out presents and decorating the tree this last Christmas triggered the hidden memory of her childhood abuse and the feelings of unworthiness that went with it. 

I cant believe such a small thing has affected me so deeply.

The abuse was a profound betrayal of trust that has affected you emotionally, as much as any other, more physical abuse. It is time to forgive them and let it go.

It is emotional but Eleanor forgives and is immediately transported to a beautiful, sacred place, a timeless temple of great stillness and peace.

I feel amazing. Clear, empowered…

A stunningly beautiful woman with a dusky complexion is waiting for her. She looks Ancient Egyptian and wears a pale blue tipped lotus with a yellow centre in her hair. Eleanor does not know who this radiant being is, but her imposing presence and unconditional love are sublime and humbling.

I am Meret, the Goddess of song. You served as my high priestess, do you remember? You are now free of all limitations you may call on me again, when you sing, if you wish.


When you sing from the heart and your clear intention is to uplift, I will be with you again. You will embody my voice and you will affect others deeply, whatever you sing.

Eleanor is overwhelmed and I give them time together before I call her back into full consciousness. She sits up and stares at me in disbelief.

“How do you feel about singing now?”

“Totally worthy and… limitless!” She smiles with a deep knowing.

All stories are © 2019 Raym Richards and are extracted from his book “Sprit World. A diary of an Urban Shaman” available through iBooks and Amazon or directly from Crystal Dreaming